So this will more than likely be my most transparent blog. A couple that we are close to, and who have kind of been going down this infertility road too, found out they are pregnant. And while I am so amazingly happy for them. And I know what wonderful parents they are going to be, and to just see how faithful God is being to them. I feel crushed.
I honestly felt like I had been punched in the stomach. We started trying before them and part of me thought we would go first, and then the cynical part of me knew they would be first. I hate that I feel this way. I hate how jealous I am. I hate that in a moment when I should be celebrating God's faithfulness in my friend's life, I am focused on not seeing Him in mine. And I know God is faithful, and I know that even in this moment where I don't see Him He is here.
But I don't know how else to feel, I don't know what else to do. There is no manual that teaches us do deal with this. When they took us to sex education, and to True love Waits, they never took us to infertility 101. Nobody ever told me it was going to be hard to get to pregnant and that I would be faced with all this. And it makes me so mad! I am so mad and I don't know how to deal with it.
Please don't read this and think I am mad at you. I am not. I am so happy for all of my friends with kids, and who are pregnant. It is just hurting me to watch everyone else live my dream.
So if I could ask one thing, it would be please me and Ryan. As we navigate these terrifying waters. Pray for peace pray for answers, and pray that I can learn to be ok.
