Vulnerable

So this will more than likely be my most transparent blog. A couple that we are close to, and who have kind of been going down this infertility road too, found out they are pregnant. And while I am so amazingly happy for them. And I know what wonderful parents they are going to be, and to just see how faithful God is being to them. I feel crushed.

I honestly felt like I had been punched in the stomach. We started trying before them and part of me thought we would go first, and then the cynical part of me knew they would be first. I hate that I feel this way. I hate how jealous I am. I hate that in a moment when I should be celebrating God's faithfulness in my friend's life, I am focused on not seeing Him in mine. And I know God is faithful, and I know that even in this moment where I don't see Him He is here.

But I don't know how else to feel, I don't know what else to do. There is no manual that teaches us do deal with this. When they took us to sex education, and to True love Waits, they never took us to infertility 101. Nobody ever told me it was going to be hard to get to pregnant and that I would be faced with all this. And it makes me so mad! I am so mad and I don't know how to deal with it.

Please don't read this and think I am mad at you. I am not. I am so happy for all of my friends with kids, and who are pregnant. It is just hurting me to watch everyone else live my dream.

So if I could ask one thing, it would be please me and Ryan. As we navigate these terrifying waters. Pray for peace pray for answers, and pray that I can learn to be ok.

Hello...

I have really been going back and forth if I wanted to continue with this blog or not. With everything that is going on in my life I just didn't know if I wanted to put myself out there, if I wanted to be vulnerable. I have prayed about it a lot. And here I am.

I recently was diagnosed with PCOS, or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically it means that my body produces too much insulin and the wrong type of hormones. So in return it is making getting pregnant very difficult.

I never thought that when I found the man God created for me, and we got married, that I would ever have to think about medicine, or fertility treatments, or adoption. It isn't a topic that anyone talks about. It wasn't something I was ever prepared to think about. My doctor is very confidant that is something that we can beat. I have read lots and lots of information on the syndrome. I have seen woman that who just take medicine to control their insulin, loose 10 lbs. and then wal-la they get pregnant. I have also seen woman who it took 5 years of treatments and they get pregnant, then sadly I have seen woman who never got pregnant.

 I know that I have to trust that God has a plan for this, and that His plan is good. But this is all so hard. There are times where I can go weeks and not think about it at all. And then there are days that I am so sad and heart broken I don't want to get out of bed. There are times that I whole heartily pray and feel so much peace that I know that everything will be OK. Then there are times when I am crying and yelling at God because I hurt so much.

We have a long road ahead of us, and  many decisions to make. At the moment we are just waiting. I am trying to just enjoy my husband, and this time we have. Ryan is such an amazing man, he is so great at loving me. He reassures me that it is not my fault and that things will work out. He reminds me that God is faithful and walking through this with us. If I have to go through this then I am glad that I get to do it with Ryan.

I am not putting this out there for pity, or so that people treat me with kit gloves. I am putting it out there because I am hoping that through this God can use Ryan and I to impact one person. To show others even when things seem to not make sense and hurt so bad, that we can trust God is there with us.

So thank you for reading this.

October 31st

So today is one of the greatest days of the year! And before you get in a tizzy, no I am not a Halloween Fanatic! Today is my Daddy's birthday! It is true, on this day 46 years ago Dale Lyman Crary was born. My Grandma use to always tell me that it was the safest place to be on Halloween.

Most of you may not know my Dad, and some you may. But he is truly amazing. When things are crazy and I totally feel out of control, my Dad is always a constant. You always know where you stand with my Dad. He doesn't play games. He will give you the shirt off his back if you need it. He is the most sarcastic person I know. (If he isn't teasing you, he don't like you.)  And he loves me and my siblings with a passion that is unmeasurable.

My Dad served in the Navy for 20 years. He taught us what it meant to sacrifice for others, he taught how to stand up for what we believe in, He taught us the difference between right and wrong. And he taught us to stick it out, even when it gets so hard and you want to quit. Because if it is anything worth wild it is worth all the crap you have to go through to get it.

I know that my Dad had a lot of help along the way when it came to raising us kids, but I feel that because of my Dad I know the true value of family. I know what it looks like for a family to huddle together when things are hard. And I know at the end of the day if I don't have anything I have my family.

So I want to take a moment to say thank you Dad, thank  you for loving me when I was hard to love. Thank you for always having my back and standing with me. Thank you for teaching me how to live and how to love like there is no tomorrow. And thank you for showing me what family is all about! I love you with all my heart you will always be my hero!

I want to be BOLD!!

I always feel so sad when I hear about a girl who didn't have a good father figure, or when someone is talking about "dead beat dads." It makes me sad and very grateful all at the same time. I have some amazing men in my life. Men who made sure to teach me that I am valuable, I am worthy, and I deserve some one to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. (And taught me that if some boy thought he could treat me badly, he wouldn't get very far!)

I guess I started thinking about this because my Grandfather is sick. He is my Great Grandfather but that doesn't matter. He is an amazing man, who has made me feel so special my entire life. Though I don't remember a time that he has ever called me Amanda. Oh, no! Grandpa Greer has called me Ms. Muffet for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember why but I know that I love it. When Ryan and I got married in 2009 we received a card addressed to Mr. Ryan Locuson and Ms. Muffet. Him and my Great Grandma called us the day before and all he could say is that, Ms. Muffet was way to young to get married. She was still a little kid.

My heart is aching at the thought of losing him. I am not good at this thing. I don't deal with loss well. So I am praying. We talked about prayer in church today. And I am not praying just for him to get better and for everything to get better. I am praying that I can be brave and bold. And that through this storm I can show my faith in God to my family. I know that when my Grandfather is called home, that he is going to spend eternity with Jesus, which is making the situation just a little bit bearable.

Again I am sure you are wondering what does this sad story have to with whole health? Well in the past I would have just clammed up. And sat silently though this storm. Only showing emotion when I thought no one was watching. But I want to be brave! I want to be bold! On my road to the new wholly healthy me, I want to stand firmly on what I believe and not be quiet.

The waiting Game

It is really funny how a certain song or band can take you back to another time or place in our life. Today my music choice is Dashboard Confessional, a band that I am totally in love with. This love affair started while I was in high school. Which made me think about how everyone always says "these are the best four years of your life!" Ummm... Really? I mean high school was great and a lot of fun, but the "best time of my life?" No!! Not even close. I feel bad for those who believe that was their peak, or wish to have that time back.

I am real bad about wanting to get to the next phase of life. I couldn't wait to get married, now that I am married I can't wait to have kids. It is like I convince myself that these next steps will make me happier but it doesn't. I don't even enjoy the thing I waited for because I start waiting for the next thing. So on my road to whole health I am going to enjoy and be happy in the here and now. I am going to enjoy our tiny little house, and not wish for something bigger and newer and ours!! I am going to enjoy school and not just wish to be done. I am going to enjoy not having kids yet and just spending time with my husband. I love my husband and dread the day when we can longer make midnight Wal-Mart runs, or just go somewhere because we can. So if you ever hear me wishing for the next phase, remind me of my words.

Reasons

The whole reason I started this blog is because I wanted to find an outlet to keep me accountable in my efforts to loose weight. Then a friend of mine suggested the "whole health" idea so that I would have other things to talk about then just food temptations and work out routines.

The more and more I think and pray about this blog I am really excited. I hope that my journey through this can help you in some way or another and I hope that you can offer the same support and encouragement to me.

Tomorrow I start 6:00AM work outs again, so just say a little prayer for me. Thanks and good night.

Church

So the last few weeks Donnie has been preaching through the book of Philemon, and last week he really broke down what church is. He stressed that it wasn't a building but the people, and how we were a family. Well today I really saw that in action. I am the team leader for our church at our monthly soup kitchen which was today. Well it was pouring outside, and the soup kitchen is all outdoors. So at 8:00AM I started calling around to see what I should do. No one could decide what we should do, at 9:15AM I was told that the call was mine to make. Well I decided we would serve. So we loaded up the trailer and headed out. Thinking I was only going to have the 5 volunteers that showed up a little early I was worried, then when we got to the site people were there waiting. More people kept coming. I was so excited. We made a plan and set up. I had 20 volunteers out there working in the pouring rain. I was in such awe at the hearts of these people, and at that moment I knew what Donnie was talking about. These people aren't just people I see every Sunday morning, or the 2nd Saturday of the month. They are my family! I was working side by side in the rain with my family, and there is something very special about that feeling. I was so honored to be apart of this team and they just totally encouraged me that what we are doing is right.

So, I bet you are wondering what does this sweet story have to do with "whole health?" Let me tell you, in the bible it says we should be members of a church so that we have someone to be accountable to, and people to do life with. God never intended us to walk down this road alone. He created us to need these relationships. So I feel to be totally healthy we should seek out these relationships, and we should find a church that we can call our family. And I can confidently say, that I have!